4/21/11: Finished – Note: this isn’t for you.  It’s for me.  But feel free to hang around; read, whatever.  part of my own ‘therapy’ session with me in attendence (m3) and some of my ‘alters’. (yeah, you guys.)

(4/19/11 pm?)*  This is the story of how the groomed child was betrayed and rejected by the guy whom he thought loved him – a rejection of his, that child’s innocent love turned to lust; mistaking the real thing for something much more … physical and intimate.

The ‘child’ had been ‘making love’ to the adult – a mere teenager, mind you, about 6 or 7 years older than the child – in return for something that felt like love and affection; qualities that child had been missing at home (along with what has been described as ‘horrible and horrendous abuses’ at the hands of his parents by various psychologists, therapists, psychiatrists and counselors.)  Abuse is of course a perceived betrayal of trust systems, along with many other inhibiting qualities.

In this case it started during one of the parties that the teenager often (sometimes?) threw.  (We can’t figure it out; too much information missing.)  *(Elvis: I’m asking questions as we go along with this child of mine and ours . . . so precious to us now.) – (M2/3: 2 on ‘top’, standing by; we are monitoring the emotions / thoughts / images of this child: what ‘he’ feels, ‘we’ feel, you see: what ‘he’ remembers with vivid clarity – ‘we’ remember – and see.  This goes ‘down’ to the ‘Scientist’ side and the ‘Recorder’ side for further analysis.  This, BTW, is a ‘for the record’ on how the system works; we take notes; perhaps some of you do, too.)  Now we are letting the child speak for himself.  We will ‘back’ out; let the ‘editing’ side take over, and let this thing be done.  It is in the interest of healing, understanding better the child’s emotions; reduce his sense of the betrayals done, etc. ad infinitum in an effort to aid the child we’ve come to first: understand his motivations, b) emphathize with his emotions; c) explain to him his physical state, d) give him reason to both love and trust ‘us’, e) reduce the tensions between Matthew, the teenage controller emerging after him (whose behaviors were in fact determined by this child’s emotions and his conclusions – as Matthew’s come to realize in this ongoing on-line ‘therapy’ session – and whose behaviors were passed on to us (among us would be a better term; not all parts share the same ‘sessions’ or similar effects from this abuse).

(4/21/11 0730 hrs) *Note: We wrote most of this before we re-read and posted “The Party” – and after reading “The Party” we confirmed: so many details are the same: this memory (as I and we know and knew) – is entirely accurate; captured on the VHS recorder of the child’s mind; entered into the notebooks of time (the Scholar/Notekeeping recording device) in our mind.  🙂  Now we know why we are being so cautiously redundant in this thing: checking facts, again and again, not willing to overlook even the smallest detail – because in those details we are finding some understanding of the child in us; ourselves, our motivations for the things we’ve done and do; and discovering the qualities of richness and interconnection within our life.

4/21/11 done: – Note: we don’t care about any typos in the message below; this was between me (M3) and my child (m1).  We are trying to get to grips with issues affecting M2 about this child’s behavior and emotional patterns; reduce frictions between M2 and self.  anyway: done.

(4/19/11 pm)  So why ask why?  In order to understand and heal this child – and to understand ourselves better; our motivations and the whys and hows of things that were done; burnt bridges, to be sure, but their skeletal remains affected our paths, much as a downed bridge would affect your own.

(start of child’s ‘testimony’, as we referred to it in the olden days of Trial and Punishment – yes, there’s still a hard heart of anger there; we can feel it … Matthew, perhaps; he is in hiding.)

We were in the truck; it was an old truck, very heavy, with a camper built on the back of it.  It was a two room camper; small made mostly of plywood and with no windows.  Very hot and stuffy in there.

Anyway we got invited to a ‘party’ that meant we could spend the night over there; it was all right then there was his little brother approximately my age and my older brother would be there too.

But when we got inside it was dark and it was hot and stuffy hard to breath and there wasn’t a lot of room in there.  So this teenager friend gets the room ‘upstairs’ I’m meaning the first room which was the second room; the one closer to the cab than the back where you got in and

then this teenager he has us coming up to him; yeah, we all kinda did it one at a time and yeah he had us competing to see who in there was good enough (to finish him off) and he’d call me up to scuk on his thing then well sometimes someone else and then I wasn’t good enough so he had my friend his brother ya know and we both held him and he sent us away.

Then we were doing it my friend and I while he (the teenager) did it with my brother cuz’ I wanted to do it for him but I lost and I was really sad cuz he didn’t want me.

(Okay, he’s quit talking)

Elvis’s (creative side’s) Interpretation:

Mikie had gotten invited to a ‘party’.  At least that was what it was whispered to be among the little children involved; information given out in hints by the teenager.

Mikie was approximately 10; the teenager at least 16 or so (+/- 1 yr).  The teenager had built a ‘camper shell’ out of plywood; a long low thing in the Southern heat; sat out in the back yard of the teenager’s house.  The truck was indeed old; I’ve just come to realize we’ve modeled that truck in OUR truck in that story we’ve written, “The Boy”.  Yup indeed: that was the truck, minus the camper (which didn’t last long; his dad tore it down in a few days; needed the thing – the truck that is.)

He and his brother are invited to come along; there, too, is Mikie’s best friend, the teenager’s younger brother – and yes, there were incestual relationships going on; some of them very bad ones (the teenager ‘pegged’ (Matthew’s word) the teenager’s youngest sister – Mikie’s ‘girl friend’ and sometime later, ‘wife’ friend – when she was only 6 years old.)

So they showed up that evening – about twilight time (I’m seeing it: sand lot back yard; some scrub oak and pines, rambling building in the  background – more on that one day) – and clamber into this truck.

Well, the heat of the day is trapped inside, and the teenager takes the ‘front’ room – the one nearest the cab.  The height of this thing isn’t much more than 3 or 4 feet; it is indeed very stuffy and hot; something which makes an impression on Mikie because what is going to happen later.

The teenager begins calling them one-by-one up to him; pants pulled down; they’re orally sodomizing him (okay, kinda weird and backwards; think ‘sex orgy’ sort of: loser goes down on the other).  And hot sweaty skin; hot confines; heat and more heat – and of course this is a kid and it’s almost a man sodomizing him; yeah it hurts and tears some and makes him leak tears onto the guy’s dick.  But he does it anyway; this thing, like that one (okay, we’re gonna have to figure that out later) – and it hurts him and chokes him

and then the teenager sends him away.  He’s stuck there with his brother in the ‘back room’, but there’s nothing to do; him and his brother aren’t on the best of terms ya know anyway.

And so then this teenager sticks his head in and announces he wants Mikie’s brother, and then so slowly his brother reluctantly moves forward (unlike Mikie and Mikie’s best friend, Bro was never one to do these sort of things willingly) – and Bro and Mikie’s best friend are doing the teenager – and then something happens (?? we don’t know) – a fight of some sort perhaps; it becomes ‘hotter’.

Then best friend is ‘sent back’ to the ‘back room’ where he and Mikie begin ‘doing things’.  But in Mikie’s heart he’s hurting; he wanted to do it with his friend – and yet the teenager as well (acceptance by the both of them, we can feel this thing: two brothers ‘lovin’ ” on him, okay, him on them as well: can you say “using” perhaps even double penetration? Happened sometimes; not bad; he just sort of ‘went away’ on a soft white cloud of ‘loving’: that’s his words, not mine; no matter what we’re remembering – or what’s forgotten, lost in that ‘white cloud of love’ — Mikie was happiest then sometimes . . . and yet sometimes deeply troubled, suspecting perhaps we know: suspecting that what was happening to him wasn’t right sometimes; sometimes they’d fight with him, hurting him: these were kids, ya know

(sigh!  literally wiping the sweat off my brow: yeah, it’s already hot down here in the south, and this was in the middle of summer).

Analysis:

Rejection number 1.  Age?  9? 10?  But he’s perceiving it as a rejection; and he’s picked up on OUR thoughts that “hey, he was growing; the teenager showed a propensity towards younger children; approximately between the ages of 6 and 8? Tapering off at 10? – and trying to explain to him (and he’s slowly coming to accept this, we thing: it’s not your fault.  It’s his.  The teenager’s.  Yeah, maybe he loved you some – but maybe he was also using you.  (This brings a lightbulb on in child’s mind: he knows what comes next, in the ‘next’ story in this blog entry.)

And then there was that “competing” thing; asked (no, forced by his desire to feel accepted and wanted by the teenager; something that felt ‘kinda like’ love.)  The feeling of being used as a ‘pawn in a game’ (yeah, this little kid could play chess, BTW: his father had taught him; never letting him win, and always soundly beating him: but this kid kept on, stoic and stubbornly: never say ‘quit’ seeming to be his motto sometimes, LOL  HE says “until the past part was gone” meaning the last piece, but then again, he’s talking the ‘lost part’ now … something we need to be looking into.) (<- end this section done 4/19/11)

4/21/11 0830 hrs:

We have realized: we’re gonna have to talk to Mikie some.  TRIGGER WARNINGS: Do not attempt if you aren’t ready to ‘go here’.  We have a strong feeling that for those of you who ‘hate’ or ‘dislike’ or are even ashamed of your ‘inner child’ and the actions ‘they’ve done’ – don’t even go here.  It will cause system disorder and chaos, since YOUR own system may begin to rebel; begin asking these same sort of questions of YOUR inner children; causing you potential harm and damage.  So be safe, okay?  (We are having a hard time typing w/o typos, LOL, this things to the bursting point; the fact that ‘bursting point’ contains a hard pun for us isn’t a joke, BTW … okay, going there: scientist/analyst mind pushing; little boy coming thru’)

S) Mikie.  (shhh .. .. sit down with me a minute; then you can go run off on the beach … yeah, I know it’s gonna be hard, little one, but you gotta sit still and tell me what you know are knowing you know?)  M1 nodding head; tousled sand blond hair today; cropped kinda short: yeah, these children’s appearances can change .. moving on

S) Mikie.  Tell me.  Going back.  I want you to remember when you were in that truck.

remembering

Okay, tell me; FEEL me this one:

How did you feel when you were sucking that guy’s dick (Mikie flinches a bit/ we all feel his anxiety and confusions .. and he feels

this: we felt sick and afraid but we were lonely and wanting him looking up at him with his dick in our mouht and it felt good knowing him and loving him like that but I was wanting him to love on me some TOO and he (that son-of-a bitch) didn’t wanna love me BACK none and then it was so fucking hot in there sweat sweat mvoing around and I’m gonna be sick and then he says ‘move on’ moving me away and then my friend (my best friend – S) his age) is there and we’re both doing this ting tongues touching tryiing to please him and my freind laughs and its no good he’s teasing me tickling me DOWN THERE my friend is and the teenager he doesn’t care and then he shoved us OFF of him says come in my freind to my little* (big) brother but theres twoo many in there so he shoves me off with him foot and shoves me out the door into the back then ..my freidn comes in too a littel while laters and we are doing it shoving little dicks in each others mouths meaningwhile THEY are humping it up in THERE and i’m listening to him while I’m doing it with my freind I’m JEALOUS dna I”M MAD at him cuz’ he doen’st want me up in there just him and my little brother who’s not so small he’s kinda big my own brother; yeah and thats cuz I reckon he’s my big brother and I HATE HIM, the fucking both of them for not making me feel good instead of him mother fucker didn’t make love to me at all

Mikie: enough.  We got it.  You felt hate and anger and jealousy; you had to listen to ‘them’ making love while you were relegated to making love with your friend which we can feel was okay by YOU but NOT as good as making love with your friend’s bigger (oh so much and bigger we know we KNOW we can FEEL it dogdammit!)

Jeez; I reallywe really HATE those body sensations: but recording for posterity: choking sensation like lumps in the throat; too much salivia in mouth; hurting aching feeling way deep down in chest; a little bit of (no … not anxiety; but? – – sadness, a great pooling lake of some kind of sweet sadness and sense of losing – loss?)

Okay (christ i hate that kinda stuff; ALL of us do – M3)

gonna go mow grass; let DA and Sarge fight my kind of battles (Mr. Fixer Upper here) – while Iandwe go and ponder this thing. (end entry 4/21/11 0900 hrs)

(4/21/11 1600 hrs)

Okay, Mikie, we’re gonna start again (Elvis typing, Mikie sitting here with me on comfy (NOT!) old piano bench; dusty auditorium as usually (sighing, dusting off the keys here), M3 sitting ‘in the background, Mr. Monitor).

(M3): Mikie: remembering what you were doing – how’d you feel the very next day?

(common little fella, remembering: yes, it was a bright and sunny morning for us, too, in there)

Okay, he’s coming out.

Here’s the deal:

Mikie:  I don’t understand.

M3: (soft sigh; knowing he didn’t explain things right; this is a child man: yes he can read your mind; but he’s BALKING)

you know (m3)

Okay I’m gonna tell.  I’m coming out the truck; got my bedroll moms blankets and things and we’re coming out the truck down the tailgate and all and walking (my feet are bare cool sand feels squishy nice underneath ) towards my house its right there the red one but gotta walk around the fence its to keep the dogs in (1 dog; BAD memory yuck yuck yuckkkk!)

Okay; (JEEZUS!) that’s a bad one I understand; we’re not going there today, M1, o’tay (soft gently okay stroking his hair m3 is)

O’tay, I want you to tell me aboutt your feelings: about how you felt about your friends when you got outta the truck; how’d you feel/

Come on mikie you can tell me.

fucking telephoneoj;asawoweajg@!11!!!!

M3) take the phone off the fucking hook.  (done by system)

o’tay, back where we are.

Mikie sorry about that how were you feeling?   (okay)

Okay, here goes: Tell me: on that wonder beautiful morning (yes we can feel this in his heart he is enjoying the morning sooo! much after being trapped in that damned truckall night long)

okay, here we go: Mikie, tell me something: how did you feel about your friend – your best friend B…. after this: how do you feel about him now?

okay

I love him i lve him i’ve alwasy loved him he is so good to me we fight sometimes but he is my bestest ever friedn and he and i’m been doing thing thing and its okay tho’ sometimes he pissed in my mouth but its okay I stopped him he’s laughing now; thats how I knwe it didn’t taste good b

Mikie: How did the incident in the truck affect you?  How can you see him now?

I love him he is  my best freind and I love him more cuz’ him and me were doin it and not the teenager he’d done kicked me out an then him so then we were togeather and ti felt real good beng with him.

So you loved him more for doing this: why?

Cuz he was with me insdie and out and he was another losing child like me we both lost in this game me and my brother won; he did, my brother won but B… didn’t so he ahd to come join me just like I knew he wuld the teenager was after my brother not him and I so my brother won and I HATE HIM SO FUCKING MUCH!

O’tay little mikie its okay; so you hated your brother for winnng in the sexual game

Yes i hated him always sometimes he made me do kissing and things with his fuckin tongue and i don’t LIKE it make me sick

Okay, little mikie: I wanna ask you something: how did you feel about the teenager?

(this is hard he wants to answer as soon as I think the question; that is our normal mode of operation; but wanna get this down: further research into things we gotta keep track; mind getting crowded; 3 TOPS ON TOP AT MOST you guys  jeeezus backing off there; they know, they realise (sighing – ol’ Elvis sighing here; wiping virtual ‘sweat’ off my fucking brow with the — oooo, nice – they’ve given me ‘his’ (the real Elvis’s) white sequined jacket those damn sequines hurt! I’m telling ya, LOL, going on time for mikie)

Okay: about the damned teenager: your friend; I didn’t mean to hurt you I know you love him (loved him?)  a lot okay my little man it’s okay go on (sorry I didn’t mean to call you little man sorry forgotten right there it’s okay: about this teenager? my friend?)

we don’t feel so good about him it was hot and muggy in that truck and WE LOST (crying crying sad sad crying okay ‘that day’ isn’t looking so good right now; beauty is gone/ ignored; bad thing) – it’s okay Mikie: tell me: what are you feeling about him?

He betrayed us (translation of what he is feeling; no child has these kinds of words).  Hurt hurt goes way deep down inside; not as bad as what is coming (he knows what is coming; it is our future shared; therefore we ALL know the next step down the line, the really bad one, not the one before, the one where we did it the first time THAT was a bad one too already written going to be posted in blog ‘my first time’ btw there so  you know folks (sigh)

Enough for now.  We can’t do this thing long.  it hurts going inside like that.  And we have to process the information: but –

4/19/11 (pm?)
Incident Number Two: (note: 4/21/11: we realize: we need to ‘start’ another ‘blog entry’ for the upcoming; this one is up to 3500+ words; too long.  Need a ‘fresh start on the next one – but we’ll leave what we started below)

4/19/11 (pm?)

So this little kid begs him; teenager does his thing; rolls off, mocking and laughing.
Two weeks later, the teenager ‘outs’ him in front of all his friends and neighbors (the teenager’s friends, not the ‘real’ ones, the people who lived in the houses)

You wanna talk shame? And embarrassment? Little kid vehemently denies, then runs away crying.

End of relationship, but not quite.

Anyway, what does this do to a child’s outlook on sex? And the whole wide world of ‘loving’ and ‘love’ and affection.

For one thing, he makes him not want to reach out to people. He’s tried that in the past – and figuratively, got his arm bit off and heart ripped out, and betrayed – publically speaking.

Makes him kinda shy, don’t you think? Always seeing some kind of harm in a loved one’s eye and / or in their embrace?

That fear of being mocked and used again (that damn kid; we wish he didn’t have access to OUR own memories; HE compares himself to a ‘dirty rubber’ and a ‘used condom’. Not with hate, but lonely sadness. Our special child (inside hug).

*once we realized that this was going to span several days – and that we were adding notes as we ‘discovered’ or realized something – it became more important to us (and perhaps some researcher out there) – to document the dates when ‘what’ happened.  Make sense?  It does to us: satisfies that intensive and thorough ‘scientist and researcher’ mind of ours: record ALL data in hopes that it will give us some ‘survival benefit’ (insights) later on.

This Was Mikie's Home in Our Mind for Many Years

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