That’s how little Mikie feels . . . picking words out of our heads.

He’s felt that way for a long long time – we know, we’ve used those words before:

“A Used Condom”.

That’s how he feels (and felt) after this thing; the “Rape of Little Mikie” combined with “A Groomed Child Rejected: Part Two“.

We’ve had that feeling since we were 17 or so; definitely by the age of 21; or 24; 26.

I guess we’ve had that feeling all along; ever since that thing happened (the rejection).

And then “The Groomed Child Betrayed” – something yet to be ‘published’.

I know a lot of women (and men, tho’ we aren’t allowed to admit this thing) know what it feels like to be used – a used condom in the making.

They call it ‘rape’ but we went along (sad fact to say but it is there – and we truly and really did not know any better.  Had we known we would have never gone along or gotten along with it.)

But it’s sad.

Imagine an 8 or 9 year old child experiencing this thing: the sensation of being a used condom.  Something to hold another man’s sperm; nothing else anymore: just a THING – something sickened for someone else’s pleasure.

And that was a man and that was a child and look what he’s done to him.  Us selves included sometimes (hurting him; hiding him inside – hiding him from ourselves sometimes (see the Ice World thing.)

Matthew is one who is especially good at that thing.  He hid the child from us for 14 years.  Or so.  Or so he thought.  Or so …. something.  He had come to hate him: this ‘feeling thing’ – and all feeling besides (besides rage and depression that is.  And loneliness, too: he felt that kind of thing.  Still does.  Waiting on some man lover to come and save him, I’m reckoning; guessing, not knowing / don’t knowing that thing.  Knowing he tried with his uncle sometimes (that didn’t work out good.)  Knowing he tried with others and failed.  Knowing he failed all the time (while keeping us alive – good work, Matthew – even if you almost died doing that sort of thing – and killing US beside you).  Yeah, there’s bitterness in those tears, even if we’re not allowed to shed them (another Matthew kinda thing there, folks.  See his views on women and emotion; published just today.)

We (he?) hates this thing; all kinds of things (yeah, it’s him.)  Confusing to us sometimes (not him; the emotions) – for he was once a “Controller” – able to take control of our emotions and things (including some of our own actions) – making them ‘his’ to control – which means he has a lotta swing and power in his grasp (even if I am 53 years old.)  A teenager self run rampant over the ramparts; lord of the castle kinda thing.

An empty castle I’m sorta expecting /suspecting; this kinda sorta thing.

And we’re hating it while trying not to hate HIM for creating it … embracing him in our own mind (while he throws OFF our embraces; not wanting any sort of thing .. to do with love and emotions; something which he had once denied when we were 13-1/2; especially and specifically to DO this sort of thing: cutting off ALL emotions and feelings deep inside of him.

And it worked well, this thing … almost for 17 years (?).

Until we met this woman and her family …

no, it started before this thing..

another woman and HER family

and then it all went wrong (not her fault, MINE (M3) for feeling this thing: that we should have a family of our own)

and so it went well until this wife and thing cut us off from the family that had bound us / bind us to this thing called “loving one another” meaning loving someone else kinda thing.

women.  You just can’t trust ’em.  We’ve learned that lesson well – that one taking us over and under things – into a living hell.

oh well.

Can’t trust ’em (Matthew speaking there.  He’s had a lot of control over the last few days.  Wife’s fault, he’s saying.  Surely she is (the one at fault) for her ‘making us there’ – meaning something, I don’t know what.  Letting him type a bit between the words . . . because we’re hurting . . . .

and little Mikie is feeling like a used condom again.

Too sad for words.  (but can’t say them: see that “not feeling” thing again”.

If you can see how this all ties together – you are doing better than we can.

Just know: we are trying, and trying to love together.

sometimes it’s just hard.

Signing off:

Mikie and Friends.

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